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THE HALLOWEEN BALL: Tale of a Fashion Fright Night


Tale of a Fashion Fright Night

A shutter slams, a door creaks open. Leaves blow down the street, the wind carrying the smell of candy with it, as thunder claps and a lightning flash illuminates the ballroom you’re in. And is that a clown, the smile on its face not reaching its eyes? What’s that cleaver doing in its hand? Why is it swinging it in the air??? The DJ plays “Thriller.” And now you’re dancing with a Killer Clown. Welcome to another Halloween party.

How did you get to this party? Who did you come with? You take a look around. Everyone’s dressed up like the usual suspects – Sexy Nurse. Sexy Pirate. Sexy Fred Fenster from The Usual Suspects. It’s getting a little old, isn’t it? And not in the – What’s this skeleton doing in my closet?  Is that you, Aunt Gina? – type of way. Speaking of skeletons in closets, what dark secrets are in yours? What monsters are waiting to jump out of a corner to tear your reputation to pieces? (Crazy Evil Laugh)

You shake the idea out of your head, and dodging a Sexy Opossum and a Sexy First Responder, you leave the dance floor and walk up the stairs, the carpet fraying, the eyes in the portraits of past owners seeming to follow you. What was that? A wolf howling in the distance? Since when are there wolves in New Jersey (if you even ARE in New Jersey)? You turn into the first bedroom, which somehow seems familiar. You regard yourself in the mirror on the front of the closet. Sexy Charcuterie Board? This won’t do. You brace yourself as you fling open the closet door. Stonewash and scrunchies and Crocs, oh my! You scream as you slam the door again, only to see the Killer Clown behind you. It rips off its mask, and even more frightening, you realize you hooked up with it last year AT THIS VERY PARTY! (You probably should have had it keep its mask on. It would have been more exciting.) You scream again!

Another lightning flash illuminates a book on the floor, entitled LBV Incantations and Lookbook Fall 22. You open it to the first page, which reads: Only the owner of scary-great clothes will understand what is written herein. And now, you know. This isn’t just any party or any house. This is your party, and you own this estate. You need a better costume! You recite the first spell. “Everything under two hundred dollars. Everything under two hundred dollars!” You open the closet door once more, and inside vegan leather and velvet hang side by side, fit for the host of the party. Should you dress in a strapless velvet gown in teal and vegan leather trench? How about a vegan leather corset with wide leg velvet pants? Or maybe a vegan midi skirt or vegan strapless corset dress? The choices are endless, and in each and every one you look like a Gothic dream come true. Now, you are ready for Halloween.

You descend the stairs and look over the ballroom. Your ghoulish guests turn to you, poised in your LBV, and applaud your new look. (They do that whole slow clap thing you see in the movies. Totally awesome.) As the DJ plays “The Monster Mash,” and all the ghosts get down, the Killer Clown offers you its hand, and you hit the dance floor. The Killer Clown has terrible rhythm. You really have to make sure it’s not on the invite list next year. But you – you slay. 

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