Tasting Notes From Quarantine
Vintage: That month-old half bottle of rose
Nose: That time you went on an OK Cupid date and you drank your first frosé. And the guy was strangely kind of feminine—or maybe just Southern? And you drank your second frosé. And there was zero spark, but you did exchange job leads and you actually got an interview out of it. Third frosé. With notes of giving up.
Finish: You’re still single.
Pair With: Throw the half bottle in a blender, add some frozen watermelon and strawberries, drink more frosé and look at skinny pics of yourself on Facebook.
Vintage: Red Red Wine
Nose: Is wet. Why is your nose wet? Why is the couch red??? Shit. You fell asleep drinking red wine again. Shit. You didn’t drink that much. Did you? OK, well, the bottle’s done. But it’s Thursday—so it’s Friday somewhere!
Finish: The bottle, already. Do it during the day, for God’s sake. Put a sheet of plastic down if you have to.
Pair With: A large bill for getting the couch reupholstered.
Vintage: 6 cans of White Claw Spiked Seltzer someone left in your fridge – Mango and Pear
Nose: Hold your nose and try drinking it. Gross, just gross. How is this the only alcohol you have left? What if you add lime? Would that help?
Finish: Forget it. Just order more wine from Shiraz.
Pair With: Bring it to a party and leave it for someone else to deal with.
Vintage: That REALLY nice bottle of champagne you’ve been saving for a special occasion
Nose: Like going down a slide made of pillows into a tub of feathers. Hints of the world is ending, so what are you saving this for? This is it. It’s over. The world will never be the same. With notes of white cherry and toasted brioche.
Finish: OK, maybe you can save it for a toast when this shit is over.
Pair With: A Zoom call until this shit is over.