FASHION FOR GOING NOWHERE

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It’s a question as old as pandemics themselves: If a woman gets dressed up in quarantine and no one is around to see her, does she still look fabulous?

Answer: Of course!

Listen ladies, just because we’re cooped up like non free-range chickens, it doesn’t mean we can’t shake a tail feather. (Or is that a contradiction because they’re so packed in…?) In any case, here are my tips and tricks for fashion in the time of corona.

photo: @fresheggsdaily

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DRESSING UP MAKES YOU FEEL FULL OF PURPOSE

Look, it’s almost like you have somewhere to go. You get out of bed. You put on pants! And a top. And you wash your hair and style it. You’re ready to have a productive day in front of your computer, pretending to home school the kids, while you google shelter in place projections, shove Peeps in your mouth like they’re precious, precious oxygen and start happy hour at 11AM. Heck, it’s 5pm in Paris, and they’re super fashionable. Oops, time for a nap.

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STEVE JOBS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA

Why wear something different every day when you can have a Signature Look? Steve Jobs had his Issey Miyake turtleneck, jeans and New Balance sneakers, and you have your Spiritual Gangster sweatpants and the tshirt you wore to bed last night. Hey – a power look’s a power look. Shuffle into the day in those slippers with confidence!

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ON ZOOM CALLS,
NO ONE CAN SEE YOUR KNEES

Throw on a cute top, add a hat (because who can remember the last time you washed your hair?), and make sure your computer is waist high. That way, no one can tell you’re in yesterday’s underwear and nothing else. Next, turn off all the lights facing you for that grainy, can’t-see-you’re-not-wearing-makeup, indy film look. If you want to get a really good angle, hang your computer from the ceiling with fishing line. You must have a ladder around there somewhere. If not, well, you have time to craft one.

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YOU'VE SEEN IT IN THE MOVIES,
NOW TRY IT AT HOME

Curtains can be a dress. Yes, they can. Don’t look at me like that. Who cares if these are venetian blinds?

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GREY'S AUTONOMY

Color, stat! I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your age – I mean your grey – is showing. The good news? There is a cure. Now, all you have to do is get the exact right color of dye that only your stylist has the recipe for, and one of those little brushes, and use gloves – which considering the times, you should already have – and part your hair all over your head like fifty times and brush the color on, and then leave it on for a the amount of time it takes to read an entire InStyle, and hope it doesn’t stain your hairline or your entire bathroom when you rinse it out. Wait! Where are you going? What will you do?? Ohhhhh, I see. I recognize that hat from our Zoom call. Cute!

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HELLO, TALLEY!

Now we come to the piece de resistance, or at least, de bonne chance! Good luck for us Andre Leon Talley has glamorized the kaftan. And if you think the kaftan hasn’t been glamorized, fine – then, don’t lie around your house in the most comfortable oversized dress ever.

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DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS STYLING

Still, every once in a while, you need to feel fancy. So, go to your closet, grab your LBV, put it on (if it’s corseted, you may need another set of hands) and put on some music. And then dance around your place like no one else is there. Feel happy and free and think about the great times you’ve had and those yet to come. And sing out loud and spin and jump and do jazz hands – because you were born to dance! And don’t be surprised to hear a joyful sound, a sound that echoes off the walls, a sound that grows and grows and can’t be stopped. It’s your family. Laughing at you.

photo: BFA