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How To Become a Bond Girl in Five Easy Steps

How To Become a Bond Girl in Five Easy Steps

1. Give Yourself a Suggestive Name

Oops! Did I say suggestive? How about ridiculously on the nose…or maybe on another body part. Honey Ryder? Pussy Galore? How subtle. So, start calling yourself Lottie Feels or Cherry Newman or Vagina Saint-Nipples.

2. Get SCUBA Certified

    At some point you’re going to be underwater, fighting for your life. You might as well be prepared. Is it an excessive amount of equipment to cart around everywhere you go? Yes. But what price life, I ask you. What price life?

    3. Use An Accent

    Choose an accent, any accent. Or make one up – Italican, Gerwoman, Finnish-ish. Even if English is your first language, an accent is a must do. After all, which would you rather say: “Zis izzz naught zee last you vill zee of me, Mr. Bahnd” or “Later, dude”?

    4. Have a Hidden Identity

    Maybe you’re a double agent, working for the other team. Maybe you’re on a literal team, like Her Majesty’s Volleyball All Stars. Maybe you weirdly play the cello. (I did that for a time. Zero fun.) Whatever it is, keep it hidden until you need it. You don’t want to make this too easy.  

    5. Wear Fabulous Clothes

    Don’t think we have to spell this one out. Every entrance you make has to be an ENTRANCE. Should it be glamour? A necessity. Should it look good wet? Obvi. (See step 2.) Should it be hard to run in, but somehow you make it look easy? Goes without saying. Should you be able to afford it on your own? Well, it’s not like James ever sticks around. 


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